I just wanna fuck bad bitches.

All them nights I never had bitches.

Now I’m all up in that ass, bitches.”

With these words, lifted from Fuck You, Andre Romelle Young’s decade-late follow up to 1992’s The Chronic, the erstwhile doctor at last attunes his frequency to something approaching concern to he of a sensitive bent. Talk of head clinics, “stuff[ing] dick in they mouth,” taking the whole eight and romancing on “the flo” so as not to messy up one’s sleeping quarters, while mouth-wateringly fantastical, remains just that: fantasy.

Because, for the sensitive soul, ‘chronic’ takes on another meaning altogether: the period of extended celibacy which, for your typical SPOCSYM associate, represents a day-to-day reality. Homemade cupcakes, a stunning velvet blazer collection and nightly re-runs of America’s Next Top Model can only hope to go some way in soothing the ache brought about by desolate, unrelenting singledom, of course. There exists but one medium through which the pathetic white wanker will approximate anything like knowing the carnal thrill of ‘bad bitches’: pornography. Lots and lots of it.

Much as an investigation into Curt Boettcher’s labyrinth-like discography fills the uninitiated with an all-pervading sense of dread, the question remains: how and where does one even begin to begin? With gloryholes, Mandingo, bukkake, Chesil Beaching and hentai barely scratching the surface, moreover, how far down the rabbit hole does the budding onanist wish to plunge, if at all? Most importantly, just what on God’s green earth is a PAWG?*

Mercifully, SPOCSYM has secured the services of Maria Schopman: Dutch sexologist and unmitigated star of BBC3’s now-defunct Sex…with mum and dad to assist us in these very questions — and more. While sickened by both the (i) infantile lack of sexual chops and (ii) insistence on extravagant, courtly notions of romance displayed by her initial SPOCSYM encounters, Ms. Schopman has, after being presented with a Magnetic Fields mix tape, agreed to help on a semi-permanent basis.

Phat ass white girl

Her column, Skin flicks with Maria Schopman, will henceforward seek to educate our community in all aspects of pornography, its lexicon, taboos and, hopefully, wider societal remit. Without further ado, then, let’s get tugging.

*Phat ass white girl, according to Ms. Schopman. Such advice will, clearly, prove invaluable in the weeks and months ahead.